Dopamine Dating: Why Pretty Isn’t Enough Anymore (And Why My Mojo Took a Sabbatical)

Let’s talk dating; modern, messy, dopamine-soaked dating.

Or as I like to call it: The Meat Market of Misaligned Nervous Systems.

I’ve realised something huge now that I’m medicated for ADHD:

I rarely look at someone and think “phwoar, hot.”

Like… ever.

My mojo didn’t just leave the building; it packed its bags, caught a Jetstar flight, and didn’t even leave a note.

But honestly?

There’s science behind this.

Why ADHD Brains “Dopamine Date”

Before meds, my dating radar was cooked; completely dopamine-driven.

ADHD brains crave:

• novelty

• stimulation

• intensity

• spark

• the “OMG HI WHO ARE YOU?” chemical hit

So historically, I’d feel attracted to someone because:

• they were shiny

• they were new

• they were confident

• they were socially lubricated (…and so was I)

But that initial spark?

Pure dopamine illusion.

It’s not attraction.

It’s chemistry playing dress-up.

Meds regulate that dopamine surge, so now?

I don’t get the “instant lust flash.”

My brain is like:

Which, honestly, should have always been the case.

Dopamine Dating

Dopamine Dating (verb):

When your brain picks a partner based purely on the instant chemical high, not compatibility, not shared values, not whether they can hold a conversation, just the zing.

It’s the ADHD brain’s version of:

“OMG you’re shiny, I choose you.”

Symptoms include:

• mistaking confidence for chemistry

• thinking “hot = soulmate”

• swiping right because your nervous system got bored

• falling for people you barely know

• convincing yourself a jawline is a personality

• getting the ick once the dopamine wears off

Dopamine dating is when attraction hits BEFORE logic, depth, or emotional safety gets a look-in.

Translation:

Choosing people who make your brain light up (in the moment), not your life better.

The cure?

Regulated dopamine, self-awareness, and actually getting to know how someone’s mind works, not just how they look in good lighting.

What ADHD Medication Actually Does

My meds let the neurotransmitters in my brain; dopamine and norepinephrine, stop roller-skating around like toddlers on cordial.

Instead of:

• 20 thoughts at once

• impulsive judgement

• shiny-object attraction

• ADHD rose-coloured lust goggles

I get:

• calm thinking

• slower attraction

• deeper processing

• less “OMG he’s hot”

• more “Can this man string a sentence together that isn’t beige?”

Turns out, when your brain isn’t thirsty for stimulation,

you stop choosing people who are the stimulation.

You start choosing people who are stable, intelligent, funny, safe.

And THAT, my friend, is a whole different level of attraction.

The Big Brother Example (aka: Why People Idolise Looks)

On a recent Big Brother episode, a 21-year-old guy said:

And I wanted to yell at the TV:

“STOP pedestal-ing her, she’s just hot, not holy!”

That’s dopamine dating at its finest:

• you see a face

• the chemicals fire

• your brain creates a fantasy

• and suddenly she’s a goddess

Confidence feels like chemistry,

and chemistry feels like compatibility.

But it isn’t.

He fell for:

• the shine

• the surface

• the momentary sparkle

He didn’t even know how her brain ticked.

Young daters (especially shy ones, small pinky finger girl here 🙋🏻‍♀️),often don’t get the luxury of depth on the first meeting.

We get dazzled or tongue-tied.

Look-lust leads the dance.

And half the relationships formed in that state are built on… nothing.

Why I Don’t Dopamine-Date Anymore

Now that I’m medicated?

Looks do nothing for me.

ZERO.

But if a man:

• makes me laugh

• listens

• banters

• gives safety

• sees me

• and can handle philosophical pondering at 10pm

… my brain lights up like a Christmas tree in Time Square.

I don’t want a pretty face.

I want a best friend with depth.

Someone I can:

• debate

• wonder with

• talk metaphysics

• talk palmistry

• talk “why does consciousness exist?”

Dating is tricky for me.

My woo-woo is not for everyone, and THANK GOD.

Because I only want someone who thinks:

“She talks to spirit? Amazing.”

Not someone who thinks I need a psych eval.

Dating Apps: The Meat Market of Modern Times

Bless dating apps, truly.

We need them.

We use them.

We swipe like trained pigeons looking for a reward pellet.

But they ARE meat markets.

You get:

• six photos

• two lines of text

• “hey”

• penises

• people posing with fish

• and absolutely NO clue how their mind works

It’s all dopamine.

And we wonder why dating feels empty?

Why “Love is Blind” is the Only Dating Show That Gets It Right

Love is Blind nails one major truth:

Emotional connection matters more than physical attraction.

When you remove looks from the equation, people finally listen, open up, and connect on personality instead of aesthetics.

But here’s where the show also proves the opposite point:

Half the contestants get the ick the moment they see each other.

Why?

Because the brain falls in love with:

• the voice,

• the banter,

• the emotional vibe…

…but the eyes fall in love with the face.

And relationships need BOTH.

Because at the end of the day:

• voices create connection

• faces create attraction

• but personalities determine longevity

And when personalities clash?

The whole thing crumbles, ring, proposal, and all.

What We Should Be Teaching Young People Instead of Fairy Tales

Kids should be taught:

“Don’t marry someone who dazzles you.

Marry someone who feels like your best friend.

Marry the person you WANT to put effort into daily.

Marry the one who meets you there.”

Not:

• marry because you’re at the age

• marry because it’s the right thing

• marry because you need kids

• marry like our parents did

My parents weren’t best friends.

Most couples I saw growing up weren’t equals.

They were cohabiting life partners, not soul-aligned partners.

I stayed 18 years with my ex-husband.

We had patches of happy, but we were never BFFs.

He was a man of few words.

Meanwhile I:

• talk to no one for days

OR

• say 100 words in 3 minutes

Where I’m At Now

I’m consciously not dating.

It's been liberating.

My heart is safe.

My mind is clear.

My dopamine is balanced.

And the next man I choose will be chosen for:

• his mind

• his humour

• his loyalty

• his depth

• his safety

• his soul

Not for his jawline.

The world needs less dopamine dating, and more soul-aligned choosing.

And honestly?

It’s not the 1950s anymore, ladies.

We don’t need to get married so a man can provide for us.

We don’t have to say “yes” just because someone had the courage to ask.

We’re allowed to say:

“No thanks, not my person.”

We have:

• our own money

• our own homes

• our own careers

• our own clubs, communities, and hobbies

• and let’s be real, we don’t even need a man for sperm anymore

We get to choose from alignment now, not survival.

I genuinely believe everyone deserves to live their best life, not a “good enough” one.

If you’re doing that already; I salute you.

And if you’re overstaying in something that drains you or diminishes you, please hear this:

The grass is greener on the other side.

Not because “new is better,”

but because freedom is better.

Even on my darkest days, I’m grateful I’m not still with my ex-husband.

I overstayed for my kids, I endured patches, I survived seasons…but I wasn’t thriving.

I wasn’t seen.

I wasn’t met.

We weren’t best friends.

Today, I would choose myself every time.

And that’s the point:

Choosing yourself is the prerequisite for choosing the right partner. - Ang x